The events of the past few weeks have been a poignant reminder to me not to leave things unsaid. They have also been a reminder of the value of true friends both old and new. While I imagine many of us have wonderful friends, do we take the time to let them know we feel that way? Do we make the effort to give voice to the feelings of our hearts?
We may think that those around us know that we care and that we don't need to say the words. Perhaps we aren't comfortable in expressing our feelings through words and simply hope that actions suffice. Perhaps we take for granted that the words have been spoken and need not be repeated. Whatever the reason we often lose opportunities to let others know how we feel.
If there is anything that I have learned from the experiences of the last several weeks it is that we need to tell those for whom we care how we feel - and often - because we never know when it will be too late. We never know what difference a few words coupled with action can make in someone's life.
It is in that light this post was born.
The past few years I have come in contact with wonderful people in the town where I live and have developed friendships with many of them.
Yet, there are a few who have gone above and beyond the call of ordinary friendship. To those people I say a deep and heartfelt thank you even though that doesn't seem to be enough. You cannot know how I treasure the kindness and compassion you show me on a continual basis. Your support and care help sustain me through difficult times and your fun and laughter make good days into great ones. Whether "Nanny McD" or "Auntie M" or simply "Ms. D" your acceptance of me into your lives is a true blessing. Your encouragement and acknowledgement of my strengths - even when I may not see them myself uplifts me and your acceptance of my weaknesses and foibles while still encouraging me to grow and change and improve makes me a better person. I only hope that I can be the kind of friend to you that you are to me.
So thank you...
for laughing at silly jokes...
for lifting when I fall...
for inviting me into your family...
for encouraging, and cajoling, and uplifting...
for simply being who you are...
His memorial, planned by some of his dearest friends and family was a beautiful reflection of a life well lived, but far too brief.
I have to admit - it was tough...
I arrived at the church a bit early, having made sure I left my home a couple of hours away with plenty of time to spare, just in case something unexpected happened on the road.
I walked inside and sat alone on a pew in the chapel and listened as the pianist played quietly in the background. As I sat reflecting, a few other people started to trickle in to fill the seats as the time for the service drew near. I recognized some of the faces from stories and pictures Jason shared, both in person and through his blog posts. Then entered a couple of the people I had met through him on different occasions. Jason had a way of drawing people together. I think he really felt the need to make sure people made connections so that no one ever felt alone or left out. It is something that I wish I were better at.
I had the opportunity to sit near one of these new, but already dear friends and her family during the service. I was able to meet four of her children who'd had the opportunity to have Jason, "Mr. Z", as their teacher as well as their friend and were there to honor him. I was again struck by how many lives my friend had influenced.
As the service began I was touched that even the hymns chosen typified the life of my friend... "Have I Done Any Good?" and "Each Life That Touches Ours For Good" were reminders of the kind of life Jason lived and "If You Could Hie To Kolob" gave great comfort in its assurance that "There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above."
Funny and poignant memories were shared by three of Jason's dearest friends and powerful testimony of the Atonement and the harmony between Justice, Mercy, and Love in all of our lives was borne.
After the service was over all who wanted to were invited to watch a video highlighting Jason's life and to write down memories of Jason to share with his family. After writing my own memories and placing them in with the growing pile of remembrances, I watched the video. As I listened to the lyrics I found myself struck by how closely they matched my own feelings.
(Sorry for the unsteadiness of the video.)
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
Now what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God couldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
(Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me )
Hopefully our own angel will be saving a spot for us at the end of our journey to "lead us in..."
A few moments later, after we had gathered outside on a field behind the church,
Jason's sister Shawna told us she had decided to continue a tradition that Jason had adopted of honoring those who have left us by sending a message aloft on the wings of a balloon.
I'm sure on Saturday that Heaven was bombarded with all of those messages of love and sorrow.
After the heavenward sent messages disappeared from view another touching tribute was given to Jason by several of his former students. Thanks Gerb for putting that together. I know he was smiling as he watched.
(Sadly I didn't capture the entire performance.)
Once again, the lyrics typified the type of friend, teacher, brother, uncle, and son Jason was.
You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
And for everything you've done
You know I'm bound...
I'm bound to thank you for it
You've been so kind and generous
I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
And I never could have come this far without you
So for everything you've done
You know I'm bound...
I'm bound to thank you for it
I want to thank you
For so many gifts
You gave with love and tenderness
I want to thank you
I want to thank you
For your generosity
The love and the honesty
That you gave me
I want to thank you
Show my gratitude
My love and my respect for you
I want to thank you
I want to...
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you
(Natalie Marchant - Kind and Generous)
As the events of the day wound down I noticed that instead of rushing away, people lingered to talk, reminisce, comfort, and support one another. Eventually, however, everyone left to go their own way, leaving a bit of themselves behind, but perhaps also taking a little bit of those with whom they had shared both laughter and tears. I know I did.
Throughout the day, I kept having snippets of a song play through my mind... then I remembered where I had heard the song before...
Once again a song expressed the feelings that I couldn't say for myself.
"Saying goodbye, going away, seems like goodbye's such
a hard thing to say....
Touching a hand, wondering why... It's time for saying goodbye...
Saying goodbye - why is it sad? Makes us remember the good times we've had...
Much more to say - foolish to try... It's time for saying goodbye...
Don't want to leave, but we both know, sometimes it's better to go...
Somehow I know - we'll meet again, not sure quite where and I don't know just when...
You're in my heart... so until then... It's time for saying goodbye...
Somehow I know - we'll meet again, not sure quite where and I don't know just when...
You're in my heart... so until then... wanna smile, wanna cry... saying goodbye...
It's time for saying goodbye..."
I guess it is only fitting that music played such a big part of my memories of Saturday since Jason was always singing, playing, and sharing all sorts of music with anyone he came in contact with. I don't know how many times we would both burst into little snippets of song that seemed to suit a particular situation. Often enough we had people saying, "Enough!!" with a laugh.
I still find myself, weeks later, wanting to call Jason up and tell him something funny or poignant that happened, or to ask his advice, or just to visit... and it hurts once again when I remember that I can't... at least not the way I used to... I'm sure, like others that won't stop me from "talking" with him every now and again.
So I'll leave with this...
"Somehow I know we'll meet again, not sure quite where and I don't know just when. You're in my heart, so until then - wanna smile, wanna cry - It's time for saying goodbye..."
The air was quiet and calm as I walked out the door of the halls of learning on the first day of school to capture this morning welcome. I took a deep breath and prepared to begin the new year.
“Solitude is a chosen separation for refining your soul."
― Wayne Cordeiro
*Note: I had originally intended to submit this post to Four Perspectives for consideration as part of their upcoming topic. Little did I know that less then 24 hours later I would again seek the refuge of the river as I tried to sort out my muddled thoughts after the tragic death of a dear friend. It only seemed appropriate to share it here with the other posts I have done in the last couple of days.
In the midst of the cacophony of day-to-day life there are times when a person needs to leave the stress and strain behind and find a place of refuge.
I have had my share of those days. When that happens I usually find myself behind the wheel of my car heading to explore the untamed beauty of the desert surrounding my home. More often than not my wanderings take me somewhere close to the river, this giver of life amidst the starkness of the surrounding landscape.
The steady ebb and flow of the current seems to carry away the burdens of the moment and instill a sense of calm. A sense that the world outside is bigger than any momentary problem and that, like the river, I can continue on. As in life, the river itself does not run a smooth course. There are areas of calm disrupted by eddies and swirls, by rapids and undertows, straightaways and meandering twists and turns. Yet, still it continues onward – part of something larger than itself.
Perhaps this is why, when I need a moment of refuge, I find myself drawn to a place beside a flowing waterway where I can collect my thoughts, renew my spirit, and leave refreshed until the next time when I will seek again the refuge of the river.
*That was the end the original post. I'd sent it to Jason for his input not knowing that he'd never see it or that the early pre-dawn morning would find me driving toward the banks of the river seeking peace and some sense of comfort.
I sat and listened to the river as it drifted past watching as one by one the stars blinked out and dawn approached. I saw a shooting star or two and thought how like Jason they were - blazing brightly, but briefly across the sky and my life. I'm sure this is not the last time I will find myself seeking solace and refuge from the river.
You will never see this letter, still, I have to write what is in my heart and hope that somehow, some way, you will know that your exit from this mortal coil was acknowledged and mourned by so very many who knew and loved you.
Even as I write this I cannot believe it is true. That you are gone... That your presence, so vibrant and alive is no longer with us. I keep hoping that this is all a horrible nightmare from which we will all awaken, shaken but still intact. And yet, I know that it is not a dream. It is a sad and stark reality. A reality where we can only wonder why, yet never know the answer. I wish I could be angry with you. I wish I could lash out and ask you why you would leave with so much of life ahead, with so much left to accomplish, with so many dreams left unfulfilled. But, I cannot be angry because I know that your heart must have been burdened with a sadness I can't even fathom.
If only I had known might I have been able to help in some way? Would it have made a difference if I had called or texted? Would you have answered? I guess I will never know. But, oh, how I long to have tried. How I wish I would have reached out to you again on those final days or that you would have reached out to me or to somebody... I prayed for you... I still pray for you...
I hope that you are now out of pain, sorrow and grief.... I know the load must have been heavy to bear for this to have happened. I know that you were greeted by those you loved who went before. Perhaps your dear Arlene was there to take you in her arms and give you the comfort you so desperately needed. I hope you were then enfolded in the loving arms of our Savior and that you found at last the peace and hope you had so long sought.
I wish that I had told you how you changed my life. Knowing you made me a better person... a braver person... You probably never knew, but you challenged me to begin to break out of my self-imposed solitude... to put myself out there... to be willing to meet new people and take chances on things I might never have before...
Thank you for the influence you had not only in my life but in so many others. Thank you for your care and compassion. Thank you for giving so much of yourself every hour of every day of every year. If only you had known the outpouring of love that would come your way. Perhaps we who loved you should have been better at showing and telling you of the tremendous part you played in each of our lives.
I miss you already my friend... You will not be forgotten. Your light will continue to burn in the lives of all those you touched in your far too brief life.
