Brave...

This post started out several weeks ago as an update on another website. I thought about leaving it at that, but I kept having the feeling that I should share it here as well - in a modified form - though I'm not really sure why.
So, for those few of you who may have read portions of this already, I apologize...

I've been thinking lately of some of the conversations Jason and I had when he would come and visit. More than once he told me how brave he thought I was for moving to and teaching in the town where I live without the benefit of having a huge support base. I always told him that I didn't know how brave I was... but he insisted that it was true - that I was indeed brave. He said that he wasn't sure he could have done it. I had a hard time picturing that because he always seemed so confident and self-assured. And here I was thinking that HE was the brave one moving to Utah the way that he did...and that I wasn't sure I could have done it... lol... In fact, I was pretty positive I couldn't. Come to think of it, though, I'm not sure I ever told him that...
(In many ways, I suppose, this was just another illustration of the fact that there are so many things that we do not and cannot know about what goes on in the hearts and minds of others. And because we are finite creatures with limited knowledge it is not our job to judge - for good or bad. We cannot know all of their triumphs, strengths, trials, weaknesses, and worries. It IS our job to uplift and support one another along the way...)

I can tell you this now - though I may not always feel brave - his words to me made me WANT to be brave...

They made me want to try a few new things, to put myself out there more and to try to make new connections with others - which is difficult for me.  I seem to lack that skill that Jason seemed to have down to a fine art. (I know he probably made it look easier than it was - even for him. That was another thing he was good at - making difficult things look simple. He never let on when things were hard for him, though I wish now that he would have been able to do that more.) Written words seem to come easier for me than spoken ones sometimes... perhaps the fear of rejection is less...  but through Jason's friendship, and that of other good and dear friends - (Thank you, John and Allisha) - I am trying to get over my reticence and in the trying have met some very wonderful new people who accepted me as I was shyness, quirkiness, and all - just like Jason did... (Thank you, Gerb, Rachel, and Shawna.) I don't honestly think he had any clue how much he influenced me - and others - in that way. It feels good to have people accept you where you are at while encouraging you to live up to your potential.

I have to admit that my bravery and confidence have taken a little blow in the past while, but as time goes on I am confident it will return little by little as I push past my doubts and fears. I am determined to keep meeting new people, making new friends, and trying new things...

So, thanks for having confidence in me, my friend, for helping me try to find the courage to attempt to be "Fearless"...

and to try and "Touch the Sky"...

And, lest anyone fear that I have set my friend upon too high of a pedestal, rest assured that I understand that he - like the rest of us - was not perfect. He had his struggles and weaknesses, as well as his triumphs and strengths. Isn't that true about each of us? That does not diminish the impact he had on the lives of those who knew him.

If anything it makes it even more impressive.

*For those who are interested, here are the lyrics to both songs that I shared. I think there is a powerful message in both of them.

Fearless – by Pandorum

Walking in a straight line

Don’t give up tonight

And all your fears combined

There’s no need to hide

Don’t you run away

You will find your way

Deep inside

And I will fight for you

If you want me to

Tonight

Then a light brightens up the dark

And gives you the hope

To fight again

And you won’t stand

On your own

Just take a breath within

You’re not alone

You are not alone

You are not alone

You are not alone anymore

One voice alone

Is one heart that’s strong

Will get you through

Two steps in front

Is three times the love

You’ll never fall

Then a light brightens up the dark

And gives you the hope

To fight again

And you won’t stand

On your own

Just take a breath within

You’re not alone

So open your eyes

Take your wings for a ride

And don’t look down

All the hurting inside

Is just pain that subsides

You can only try

We can try

We can try

Then a light brightens up the dark

And gives you the hope

To fight again

And you won’t stand

On your own

Just take a breath within

You’re not alone

Say goodbye

No more fears

You feel inside

Say goodbye

You know its time

To live your life

Touch the Sky - Julie Fowlis 

(Disney/Pixar's Brave Soundtrack)

When cold wind is a calling 

And the sky is clear and bright,

Misty mountains sing and beckon me 

Lead me out into the night. 

I will ride, I will fly

Chase the wind and touch the sky. 

I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky. 

Where dark roots hide secrets

And mountains are fierce and bold. 

Deep waters hold reflections 

Of times lost long ago. 

I will hear their e’ry story 

Take hold of my own dreams

Be as strong as the seas are stormy, 

And proud as an eagle’s scream.

I will ride, I will fly

Chase the wind and touch the sky. 

I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky. 

Rainbow connections...

I captured the tail end of this rainbow as I traveled home a few weeks ago.
I wish I had been able to capture it in all its brilliance. 

In the past week two friends posted pictures of rainbows on their blogs. Their posts brought to mind a photo of a rainbow I had captured recently as well. It seemed to give me a gentle nudge to add a post of my own to this mix... this "rainbow connection"...

I love the gentle promise of a rainbow... the reminder that even amidst the storms of life beauty can still be found. Indeed, it is the storm that makes the beauty possible... and though the beauty of a rainbow may be here one moment and gone in the next the memory of that rainbow lingers long after the last glimpse has faded. 

I couldn't end this post without sharing the rainbows captured by my two friends. Hopefully they'll forgive me for "borrowing" them, but I couldn't complete this post without showing the inspirations behind it. Thanks Gerb and Rachel for capturing the fleeting beauty of the rainbow.

"I'll build you a rainbow, way up high above.

Send down a sunbeam, plumb full of love.

Sprinkle down raindrops, teardrops of joy."

I'll Build You A Rainbow - Words and Music by R. Scott Strong

This photo was taken by my friend Gerb. Beautiful....

This photo was taken by my friend Rachel. Lovely...

Life Through My Lens - "Green" River....

Somehow I don't think this is what they meant when they called it "Green River." 

September 2012

There is some beauty in the images. Still it's just a bit scary as it shows how low the river is and how long it has been that way in order for that much plant life to have grown.

Just for a little perspective, this is what the river looked like a year ago.

April 2011

October 2011

Move on...

There comes a time when we all must move on... 

From a place...

a project...

a job...

a relationship...

a moment...

a feeling...

That doesn't necessarily mean that all the things from which we are moving on were wrong, or a mistake at the time we started them. Perchance it simply means we've grown or changed beyond where we need those things or maybe the fact is that they've moved on and now it is our turn to do the same.

Perhaps what we need to move on from is the past. Maybe we are clinging to it for fear of losing memories, moments that will not come again.

Maybe what we need to move on from is sorrow. Perhaps we feel it is a betrayal of those for whom we grieve if we begin to find joy again in small moments. And yet it is not. They would want us to move on. Perhaps in this instance we need to remember that moving on does not mean forgetting, it simply means taking a part of the person we have lost with us in our hearts while going forward.

It might be that we need to move past anger - at ourselves, a neighbor, a family member, a friend, a colleague, even a stranger. Though it isn't easy we need to remember that it does us no good to cling to that anger for in the end it hurts us more than anyone else.

Perhaps what we need to move past is fear. Fear of failure... Fear of rejection... Fear of disappointing or letting down those who depend on us... Fear of the unknown...

Does all of this mean that we'll never come back to those

places...

projects...

jobs...

relationships...

moments...

feelings...?

No.

There are times and seasons in all of our lives and sometimes things which we had to move beyond at one time come again and the timing or moment is better, is right for it. We simply have to watch and wait and keep trying to go forward in the meantime.

Is it easy? No. Will it ultimately be worth it? I believe that it will, but I have no guarantee. It's easy to spout platitudes in a post like this and so much harder to "walk the talk" in reality. But, that doesn't mean it isn't worth trying... at least that is my hope...


I hope that all of us will find the courage to move on from those things that we need to, to move forward toward whatever is out there that is best for us, whatever our situation may be.

"Just keep moving on

Anything you do

Let it come from you

Then it will be new."

Move on...

Stop worrying where you're going-

Move on

If you can know where you're going

You've gone

Just keep moving on

I chose, and my world was shaken-

So what?

The choice may have been mistaken,

The choosing was not

You have to move on

Look at what you want,

Not at where you are,

Not at what you'll be-

Look at all the things you've done for me

Opened up my eyes,

Taught me how to see,

Notice every tree-

Understand the light-

Concentrate on now-

Move on

Move on

Stop worrying if your vision

Is new

Let others make that decision-

They usually do

You keep moving on

Look at what you've done,

Then at what you want,

Not at where you are,

Where you'll be

Look at all the things

You gave to me

Let me give to you

Something in return

I would be so pleased...

And the color of your hair.

And the way it catches light

And the care

And the feeling

And the life

Moving on

We've always belonged

Together!

We will always belong

Together!

Just keep moving on

Anything you do

Let it come from you

Then it will be new

Give us more to see...

Be You... - Friday Flix - Media of the Week

There comes a time when you need to stand on your own two feet despite the doubt and detritus surrounding you. Stand up and BE YOU.

I thought this video was such a powerful message of the importance of self-worth and not only having it oneself, but encouraging and supporting others to gain it for themselves.

"It's Time"

So this is what you meant

When you said that you were spent

And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit

Right to the top

Don't hold back

Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down

I don't ever want to leave this town

'Cause after all

This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell

And I am left to sell

The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell

Right to the top

Don't look back

Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down

I don't ever want to leave this town

'Cause after all

This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely

This house doesn't burn down slowly

To ashes, to ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

It's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was

Now don't you understand

That I'm never changing who I am

Message In A Bottle....

Last Sunday was the birthday of a friend who recently passed away. My friends, the Hughes's and I had been trying to figure out a way to celebrate Jason's life and honor his passing. We thought about balloons, but there were none available. Then Allisha had a wonderful idea... why not send messages in a bottle? As soon as she suggested it I knew she had hit upon the perfect way to say both Happy Birthday, and See You Later... (I won't say that it was a goodbye...)

Jason loved the San Rafael Swell and the desert area that surrounds Green River, so we loaded into the Trooper as we'd done so many times before (often with Jason along)... and headed to find a private place to set our thoughts afloat. We traveled from pavement to gravel, to rutted roads searching...mostly choosing the right path as we ventured toward our destination - the river.

After traveling for several miles we found a spot we felt would be a good place to let set our bottle adrift. It was, fittingly, almost directly across from the geyser that John had introduced Jason to a little over a year earlier and which graced the button for his Weekly Kodachrome. (Just another moment that seemed to signal that this was how we were meant to let go...)

We exited the Trooper and set to placing our thoughts on paper, from the littlest among us and up. 

 

When all present had finished their messages they were rolled and placed carefully into the bottle, ready to be sent on their journey. 

  The note on the bottle read: This bottle is in memory of Jason Zimmerman. Please help keep this bottle going on its mission to reach the ocean. Thank you. Sent on 9/9/12 from Green River, Utah. 

We walked down the incline to the riverbank where we sang Happy Birthday to Jason, then watched as the bottle set sail through the air to land in the flowing river current.

As the bottle grew smaller and smaller to our sight and the sun started its journey toward the western horizon, we turned to make our way from our secluded spot to begin the journey back home.

I couldn't help but think how fitting it was that these messages would travel along the pathway of the river through the desert Jason so loved. I think perhaps he smiled as he watched it make its way toward its final destination.

When we returned to the Hughes' home we decided to have a few of Jason's favorite things for a birthday treat...

- Diet Dr. P (with vanilla - of course) poured over ice from the Chat-n-Chew 

(Otherwise known as the Chow Hound - a local eatery that has awesome ice...)

- Tomato and Basil Wheat Thins

- Peanut Butter M&Ms

and last, but not least

- Doritoes

(Sadly there were no maple bars, Macey's ice cream, or Chunkapoo cookies...perhaps next time...)

I'd like to think that Jason would have approved of the way we honored him on his birthday. I hope he knows how much he is missed and how much he is cared for still.

(* I added a copy of this poem to the messages in the bottle... *)

I look out at a sunset sky

As memories crowd ‘round

A fleeting glance toward the heavens

And still more gather
It seems that this is time

To reminisce

And ponder

I cannot help but wonder

How you are

What you are doing

Who you have met

This I do know

You left us far too soon

Yet your influence lingers still

In the way I view the world

In snippets of song

In capturing a photo

In teaching a child

There are times
I think I hear you whisper

“I am here…

I am well…

I’ll save a place…
Don’t worry…”

In those moments

There is comfort…

Still there is sorrow
Because you are
Not here
And that cannot change

For now              

So until the time comes

When the veil is no longer there

I’ll grieve for a time

Yet I’ll smile
When I remember

Moments spent

In conversation

In laughter

In quiet companionship

For I know
As long as there are
Words to write

Moments to capture

Music to share

A part of you will
Never be gone

- Mindy Durrant
September 9, 2012 – For Jason